A maverick cop has been given a severe reprimand for uttering no quips or one-liners when he knocked a criminal unconscious.
Detective Jack ‘Jack’ Renegade had just chased down a criminal mastermind with a suspiciously British accent through the streets of Detroit, and engaged him in a fistfight before knocking him out without saying a word.
“Frankly, I was shocked,” said witness Stewart James.
“He just punched the guy, really quite hard, and then picked him up and took him away.
“Didn’t say a word. It’s crazy, man. If a maverick cop doesn’t even do a quip? BS, man. Just BS.”
Detective Renegade insisted that there were extenuating circumstances.
“I’d just run twelve blocks,” he claimed.
“Damn it, I drink whisky for breakfast and smoke a pack of cigarettes before I wake up in the morning. You can’t expect me to run twelve blocks and still be able to speak.”
But his foul-mouthed, gruff, angry, sneezy, sleepy chief was adamant.
“Godammnit!” he shouted.
“Renegade is a pain in my ass, but he’s a damn good cop. I don’t want to have to chew his ass out but if I don’t someone’s going to chew my ass out. Which isn’t as dirty as it sounds but it’s pretty unpleasant.
“We got regulations here. You’re a maverick cop? You got to do a quip. He didn’t, he gets a reprimand.”
It is understood that, as well as the reprimand, Detective Renegade will also be accompanied by a quip monitor from the Snappy Comeback Division to make sure his quips are up to the standard required.
It is expected that, after initially not getting on, they will develop a begrudging respect for one another before going on to take down a criminal mastermind with a suspiciously British accent by punching in the face and making a really great quip.
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*Alright, perhaps ‘love’ is pushing it, maybe ‘be mildly diverted by’
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God of War called Jeff, lives in Basildon
God of War has proven to be one of the most popular and critically acclaimed PlayStation games of this generation, but little is known about the real life God of War, and exactly what his job entails.
Screen Idle can reveal that the God Of War is actually called Jeff, and lives in Basildon, Essex.
“Well, obviously, I spend a lot of time in the gym,” said Jeff.
“There is a certain aspect of my physique that is divine, but the rest is down to old-fashioned hard work.
“Plus, I got an online voucher for half-price membership to Virgin Active. Bonus.”
Fans will be surprised that the God Of War actually spends very little time on quests.
“Quests? Me? Oh not really,” he chuckles.
“No, there’s very little cause for quests in Basildon. I had to laugh when I saw the game, the only real quests I have to do is occasionally pop to Asda.”
In terms of what the job of being God of War actually entails, the answer is a surprisingly prosaic one.
“Well, like most things nowadays, being God of War is mostly paperwork. I mean, all that battling dragons on mountains and bantering with magic dwarves? That’s not really representative of what I do.
“I spend most days in the office doing spreadsheets and if I do have to battle a dragon on a mountain, there’s so much health and safety involved, it’s not nearly as exciting as the game makes out.
“Truth is, being God of War is pretty much the same as any middle-management role in the modern workplace.”
God of War is currently available for PlayStation 4 and, if rumours are believed, will soon feature a sequel in which players must use the God of War to create a credible PowerPoint presentation and report on his adventures in the first game.
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