FROMSoftware, the company behind the famously punishing Dark Souls games, have announced that their new game, Elden Ring, will have a hardcore mode in which a man repeatedly punches you in the face while you play.
“We know that our fans demand a challenge,” said FROMSoftware’s Kelly Grace.
“And being punched repeatedly in the face while you try and battle a zombie knight is definitely a challenge.”
The hardcore mode will only be available after completing the game for the first time. The player will select the hardcore mode and then check a box saying that they will provide food and lodging to a tough man for the duration of the game.
Within 24 hours, the tough man will arrive at the player’s house, then the player boots up the game, selects hardcore mode, after the credits have played, the tough man punches the player in the face. He continues to administer punches every five minutes until the player completes the game, or switches off the console.
Fans were broadly approving of the new plan, although there were some reservations.
“I like it. Seems good,” said Stewart James.
“But, it’s a shame that it’s only available after you’ve completed the game. It seems like the ‘true’ way to play Elden Ring is to do so while a man punches you in the face. Playing it through without being punched in the face seems a bit like the beginner mode. So, I hope they open that up a bit.”
There is also an unconfirmed rumour that there will be an additional downloadable ‘Ultra-brutal mode’ which will feature a munitions team who will launch mortar shells at your house while you play.
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DC launches audacious summer transfer bid for utility superhero Hawkeye
With summer barely begun, the DC Extended Universe has made a shock transfer bid for Marvel utility superhero Hawkeye.
It is understood that Hawkeye had been unhappy at his being left out of the squad for the prestige Infinity War clash and may well have issued a come-and-get-me plea to rivals DC.
“We think that there is a lot more to Hawkeye than the rotation superhero role he has at Marvel,” said DC gaffer Walter Hamada.
“At DC, we would be looking to build a squad around him, with Hawkeye taking the key role up front, leading the line.”
It is thought that Hawkeye has been offered a stellar deal that would see him on a similar package to Batman and, after two years, could see him as second only Superman in terms of wages.
However, it looks like Marvel are not going to let him go with out a fight, with boss Kevin Feige issuing a hands-off warning.
“Hawksy is a valuable member of my squad, and if that lot think they can tempt him away, they’ve got another think going.
“I tell you, cut that boy and he bleeds Marvel. He’s going nowhere.”
With both the two big superhero clubs refusing to budge, Hawkeye’s future looks set to be the transfer saga of the summer.
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