It’s the weekend, and as your plans for the weekend amount to lying on the sofa wondering why you don’t have better plans for the weekend, you’re probably going to want to watch some films.
Here’s our pick.
Friday
Kingdom of Heaven GREAT! Movies 21.00
Vikings or Romans or knights or barbarians. I can’t remember. If you can be bothered with three hours of grumpy men on horses shouting at each other, let me know which it is.
That’s the grumpy men doing the shouting, not the horses.
Taken 3 Film4 21.00
Liam Neeson has a special set of skills that doesn’t include being able to recognise a decent script.
Cobra ITV4 21.00
Sylvester Stallone stars as a big snake on what is, frankly, a dismal day for films. If you don’t fancy anything on Netflix, then I’m afraid you might have to resort to talking to your family. Sorry about that, but there’s nothing I can do.
Saturday
Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers Sky Showcase 20.00
Little hairy men have a big walk. Friends run after them. Trees largely unimpressed.
Jerry Maguire Dave 21.00
Tom Cruise shouts at Cuba Gooding Jnr until he wins all the football.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off GREAT! Movies 17.50
Smug little git steals a car and ruins his headmaster’s career. Probably went on to become a hedge fund manager and is now locked up on fraud charges.
Sunday
Dangerous Minds 5Star 22.55
Michelle Pfieffer solves gang-violence with the help of Coolio. Thanks Coolio.
The Martian Film4 21.00
Matt Damon goes to Mars, grows some potatoes, comes home.
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