Week Beginning 22nd March

It’s the weekend. Let us make sacrifice to the Dark Lord to prepare for the coming of the Black Times…or there’s all these films, up to you. Do what you like, really.

An old-fashioned TV against a white background. Weekly Film Planner
A telly, on which you watch all these lovely films

Knives Out Friday E4 21.00

James Bond has to go and solve a crime because, frankly, he’s getting a bit too old for all that shooting baddies and getting off with ladies. Captain America, Sony Crockett, the massive naked lady from Blade Runner 2049 are all in the frame and so James pretends to have a mad accent to confuse them and then uses his secret detective skills to reveal the criminal was the last person you suspected.

The Day After Tomorrow Friday Film4 18.30

America gets attacked by weather and so Dennis Quaid decides to go for a nice walk across the country to meet up with Donnie Darko. It’s unclear as to why. Probably to have a nice snowball fight or something. Before going for a walk he has a bit of a shout at the vice-president because weather is bigger than politics, damnit and makes friends with a team of unconvincing British scientist who refer to Manchester United as ‘the lads’ and exhaust them to ‘kick it.’ Ultimately America defeats the weather and Dennis and Donnie live happily ever after.

Top gun: Maverick Saturday Channel 4 21.10

Tiny Tom Cruise is Barry Maverick – pilot and quite old person. He lives quietly with his plane but, oh no! Foreigners are doing foreign stuff. America wants to put a stop to all that so ask Barry Maverick to come  and teach young people how to be dangerous pilots on the edge in return for being allowed to get off with an attractive lady twenty years his junior. Young people are all rubbish so Barry ends up blowing up all the foreigners himself because America.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Sunday ITV 20.30

Harry and his big wand get up to the usual Sunday teatime shenanigans. Much Rexilium Frotoriola-ing and being faintly grumpy teenagers happens. Some dudes trying to become King wizard but Harry and his mates don’t want him to become King wizard so they have an exciting adventure and then Harry becomes best friends with the headmaster because he’s a big swot.

When Harry Met Sally Monday BBC3 21.00

Movie star-looking ‘ordinary’ people are friends who don’t bone. What? A good-looking man and woman who aren’t at it like a couple of bunnies on a Viagra binge. This has literally never been seen before. How interesting, I wonder what will- oh no, they’ve boned.

Actually brilliant. One of the greatest films of all time and the fact that it doesn’t make the Sight and Sound I’m-clever-at-films-me Top 100 is just mad.

Olympus Has Fallen Tuesday Film4 21.00

Well, pick it up then. White House gets taken over by terrible, terrible foreigners (North Korean? Think they were the trendy terrible foreigners of the time) and only loveable Scotch tough man Gerard Butler can save America. So, he goes and blows everything up, kills the terrible foreigners and rescues the President who he marries and lives happily ever after with.

Stand By Me Thursday Film4 21.00

Wesley Crusher and his friends go for a walk to look at a dead man. One of them tells a story about eating hot dogs. Kiefer Sutherland is quite menacing and might turn into a vampire, but doesn’t. They look at the dead body and go home again. Richard Dreyfuss keeps saying that it’s all very profound and changes them forever, so I guess it’s all very profound and changes them forever. Not as good as the song.

Now, THAT, my friends, is a great TV Film Guide. Come back next week to be further informed.