Dawn. Mist covers the suburbs of Cardiff.
A Sunday morning, many are still in bed, but a group of pleasant family houses in leafy Beach Lane hide over a hundred highly trained militia.
In the garage of number 32, the leader explains the complex plan of how the militia will, by the end of the day, have taken control of all the principle Government buildings in Cardiff and effectively have snatched control of Wales from the British.
For fans of Jerry Maguire, the identity of that militia leader would have been quite a shock, for it was Hollywood superstar Rene Zellweger.
“Rene Zellweger felt an immediate affinity for the Welsh,” explained historian Stewart James.
“She visited Anglesey whilst making the first Bridget Jones picture and was touched by the nobility and generosity of the people.
“She found it difficult to believe that they had spent so long under the oppressive government control of the British.”
After taking a break from films following Bridget Jones and the Edge of Reason, Zellweger moved to Wales for at least a year.
Whilst her exact movements are unknown, but it is thought she met up with a number of Welsh community leaders and began to formulate a plan to lead the Welsh to revolution and independence.
“I think that everyone was surprised when Bridget Jones’ Baby was announced,” continued Professor James.
“It seemed utterly redundant and pointless. But it was actually a cover for Zellweger’s daring plan.
“The story featured a trip to the countryside. She insisted that it was filmed in the Vale of Glamorgan, and that she be based in the seaside town of Barry during filming.”
A small town with only one major road into the centre, Zellweger’s crack team of Welsh militia took control of it within less than an hour on a cold, early February morning in 2014.
They quickly gathered further volunteers and had taken control of Swansea, Port Talbot, and Penarth before the sun had risen on the following day.
They quickly moved to the suburbs of Cardiff, confident that they could take the capital before the British were even aware of the coup.
“Both Hugh Grant and Colin Firth have denied betraying her,” said Professor James.
“But we are fairly certain it was one of them. It would explain the lack of chemistry in the finished film.
“Whoever it was, she was betrayed and the British knew of the location of Zellweger and her militia.
“She had barely finished outlining her plan to take Cardiff when a drone strike hit the building next to hers, they tried to flee into the woods but two more drone strikes hit and, immediately, British soldiers arrived and took them all quietly into custardy.”
The British government, keen to keep it quiet that a Hollywood actress had come within a few hours of leading Wales to independence, explained the drone strikes as gas explosions and quietly executed the militia leaders.
“Zellweger was allowed to complete the film though. The British government clearly thought that it would be to difficult to explain the death of a young, healthy, Oscar-winning actress, and so she finished the film, and was deported.
“I understand that her spirit was so broken by the failed coup that she has never spoken of it. Either that or the British Government have compelled her to remain quiet.”
Whatever the reason for Zellweger’s silence, the story has remained a secret until now, but if you look closely at Bridget Jones’ Baby, you can see the tears in her eyes as she looks across the beautiful Vale of Glamorgan, perhaps remembering her fallen comrades in the failed Welsh rebellion on 2014.
Be the first to comment