Screen Idlies – the Oscars. Only good.

Screen Idle proudly presents the Screen Idlies, the hottest new movie awards that’s got the whole of Tinsel Town talking. Probably. You certainly can’t prove different.

Best film – Clowntergeist, obvs.

Best use of a clowntergeist – Clowntergeist.

Best actor – the guy who plays Clowntergeist, don’t know the name, it’s on IMDB I’d have thought.

Best Actress – Her who plays the clone of Princess Diana in The Diana Clone. Unless she’s an actual clone of the actress who plays actual Diana in The Diana Clone. Blimey, there’s a moral conundrum. By giving a film award, do we accept that a clone of a human is the same as a human? Ah, screw it, it’ll sort itself out.

Best original screenplay – Clowntergeist, unless it was based on a true story. In which case, best adapted screenplay.

Best direction – Martin McDonough for Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri. Disappointing for the awards favourite to only get one, but you go up against Clowntergeist, you’ve got to expect a tough time.

Best Sound editing – Anyone you like. Literally no one cares.

Best Foreign language film – Depends what country you live in. I’ll leave this one to you.

Nicest hat – Her from Lady Bird. No way I’m attempting to spell her name, I’ll only embarrass myself.

Best plumbing – Call me by your Name. The beautiful love story comes out of nowhere to impress with some really lovely bathroom work.

Tastiest snack – quavers, obvs.

Tallest actor – Vincent Vaugn. At 6ft 5inches, the Swingers hunk is really quite impressively tall.

Smallest actor – Meryl Streep standing in a hole.

Fastest land animal – the cheetah.

Well, I think that’s it for this year. Join us for next year’s awards if I remember/can be arsed.