The fifth film in the Indiana Jones trilogy will see Indy getting so cross with young folk that he sets up a Facebook account to complain about the ‘damn snowflake generation.’
Rather than the globe-trotting derring-do of the first four films, this one will see Indy stay closer to home and take issue with the preponderance of organic grocery stores in his neighbourhood and how they won’t be happy until everyone is vegan.
“Indy’s 80 in this picture,” said director James Mangold.
“It’s important to reflect that by having him show his contempt for younger generations in the traditional way – joining Facebook and complaining.”
The film begins with Indy walking home from the university and seeing some people enjoying avocado toast. Enraged, he marches into his house, creates a Facebook account and launches a tirade of abuse against avocado toast, people who eat avocados and how you the modern snowflake generation of today would collapse if you took away their avocado toast.
“After coming to grips with complaining on Facebook, realises that there is more he can do,” continued Manglold.
“So, he sets up a Facebook group solely to complain about these local organic stores and how they want to ban beef and make everyone eat avocados, even though they don’t.”
However, Indy hits a problem when, midway through a rant about skinny jeans, a bunch of strange pop-ups appear on his computer screen because he downloaded a suite of free software to ‘make the computer go faster.’
His granddaughter, played by Phoebe Waller-Bridges, pops round to clean his PC for him and it looks like cross-generation harmony has returned, but unfortunately, she has dyed her hair and is drinking a flavoured iced coffee, so Indy berates her while she helps him and after she has left, he launches into a long Facebook rant about how the younger generations just don’t understand hard work.
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Middle-earth ends controversial orc-breeding programme
Morally-dubious theme park Middle-earth has ended its controversial Orc-breeding programme after accusations of cruelty.
The decision means the orcs currently acting as minions to the Dark Lord Sauron will be “the last generation” to run unconditionally into battle against all manner of fairytale creatures.
Over the years, Lord Sauron has faced criticism over the alleged poor treatment of the orcs, using their unquestioning loyalty to force them fight beautiful people for very little reward.
Intrepid explorer and hairy-footed midget, Bilbo Williams explains further, “Dark Lord Sauron had millions of the buggers, who were all ugly and stupid, immediately proving there wasn’t a big enough gene pool from which to breed them.
“It was actually a surprise to me any of them bred at all. To look at them, you wouldn’t be able to figure out which ones were female.”
Middle-Earth’s treatment of its orcs was highlighted in the overlong 2001 documentary The Lord of the Rings, which focused on a series of violent incidents involving some hairy men and a weird bald cat thing who stole something from a jeweller’s.
Middle-Earth described the film as inaccurate, misleading and exploitative.
A spokesman for Sauron said, “For as long as they live, the orcs at Middle-earth will continue to fight unhesitating for the cause of malevolence and evil. Once they’ve gone, they will be gone. We will replace them instead by genetic clones of Katie Hopkins. Though one may be enough.”
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