Missouri has commissioned a statue of one of its greatest modern-day heroes, Dalton from Road House.
The statue will be placed in Sequiota Park in Springfield and will feature Dalton in one of his Tai Chi poses for which he became so famous.
“Now, more than ever, we need to remember those great Americans who inspire us,” explained major Stewart James.
“Dalton is surely one of the greatest. Where there was corruption in Jasper, Dalton stood up to it, where there were rowdy drunks in the Double Deuce, Dalton had a big fight with them, and where there was a girl dancing with her big buster browns out for all to see, Dalton politely asked her to cover herself up so’s not to offend the Christian sensibilities of other Missourians.
“Dalton is a great man, and is finally getting the honor he deserves.”
Local people were supportive of the plan.
“Statue of Dalton? Makes good sense. Certain to bring tourists into Springfield,” said local resident Kelly Grace.
“If you like Dalton, you might think ‘I want to go see a statue of Dalton’ and then you’d come to Springfield and look at the statue. Then you might have some ice-cream down at Jed’s parlor, or set Arnie for a haircut. All good for business.”
Some people have pointed out that having a statue of the fictional character from an eighties action film is an odd decision.
“He’s a what know?” asked a confused Major James.
“I don’t know nothing about him being fictional. All I know is that without Dalton, the good people of Jasper would still have that terrible Brad Wesley running their town and driving his super-truck over honest folk’s cars like that.
“He’s a great man and deserves a great statue.”
The announcement follows news that Florida intends to erect a statue of CIA agent Matt Hunter who single-handedly defeated an army of Cuban communist guerrillas when they invaded in the 80s.
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Robocop Returns sees burnt-out, middle-aged Robocop assigned new roborookie as robopartner
The new Robocop reboot is to feature a burnt-out, middle-aged Robocop who has grown disillusioned with life on the roboforce assigned a roborookie as his new robopartner.
Initially dismissive of the roborookie’s enthusiasm for the robopolice, the film will explore how Robocop comes to believe once more in fighting robocrime.
“This is a more thoughtful take on Robocop,” said producer Nancy Weller.
“He’s not the Robocop he was – young, emotionless, and burning with robojustice.
“He’s grown older and cynical, he’s seen things. He drinks too much and is estranged from his robowife.
“There’s a beautiful moment when it starts to rain and Robocop just goes out and stands there, waiting to rust.
“He’s really sunk low, so this young roborookie is a real catalyst for his redemption in the robopolice.”
Whilst seemingly derivative, Ms Weller denied they had just taken the premise of Se7en or Men in Black or any number of buddy movies and just put ‘robo’ in front of everything.
“Oh come on, how cynical do you think we are?” she scoffed.
“Just putting ‘robo’ in front of different words to get a cheap laugh because we’re a bit short on ideas?
“I think we’re a bit better than that.”
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