“You were only supposed to blow him off.” – Weekend Film Guide 11th June

It’s a glorious summer weekend, so make sure you close those curtains real tight or the sun might shine on your TV. Happened to A-ha, and they never recovered

Friday

The Football All Channels, constantly

Rich men kick their balls until it all stops. Everyone else shouts a lot. Ambitious, improvised voiceover throughout expected to make repeated references to ‘wanting it more,’ ‘pulling him off,’ and ‘opening up his legs to really go for it.’

Filth, frankly.

The Italian Job ITV4 22.00

Marky Mark stars as Michael Caine in remake of cockney nonsense that you’ll forget about in minutes.

“You were only supposed to blow him off.”

The Cider House Rules AMC 18.45

It certainly does.

Saturday

Vertical Limit GREAT! Movies (what?) 18.40

Chris O’Donnell tries to outwit a mountain. Fails.

Buster BBC2 22.00

Drummer from Genesis robs a train. I assume the soundtrack features some perky covers of sixties classics and a moody ballad where Buster walks about in the rain and has a jolly good think about what he’s done.

Notting Hill ITV 22.35

Outlandish fantasy film about man who makes enough money from travel bookshop to be able to live in Notting Hill.

Sunday

Die Hard 2: Die Harder ITV4 22.15

Bruce Willis beats up an airport to celebrate Christmas.

Cocoon 5Star 14.05

Oldiewonks form pact with weird alien pods to try and avoid Steve Guttenberg.

Last of the Mohicans AMC 18.50

Apparently, Daniel Day-Lewis was so dedicated to the role of Hawkeye that, in order to prepare, he travelled back in time to the 1700s and lived with the Mohican tribe for a year, and can actually be seen in some pictures from the period.