It’s the weekend. Time to lie on the sofa without any trousers on, eating your own body-weight in malteasers and watching these great films
Friday
5-Headed Shark Attack Syfy 22.20
Presumably the new David Attenborough nature spectacular.
First Knight GREAT! Movies 18.15
Sweeping romance from the time when noble British knights had magnificently blow-dried hair – gadzooks m’lord! Doth thee wish me to put product on that?
The Burning horrorxtra 22.55
Terrifying classic horror about a urinary infection
Saturday
Die Another Day ITV 20.00
James Bond saves the world by getting off with a number of sexy ladies and driving a…magic car…is this right?
Rocky IV ITV4 23.00
Sylvester Stallone punches Russia in the face. Berlin Wall came down shortly afterwards. Coincidence? I think not.
Tomb Raider ITV2 18.45
Posh lady with triangular boobs shoots local wildlife
Sunday
The Magnificent Seven ITV4 18.45
Classic cowboy larks that was remade as cheap overlong samurai nonsense.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon Channel 4 15.05
Giant robots have a big shouty fight about a Pink Floyd album.
Gladiator ITV 22.20
‘What you do in life, echoes in eternity’ – my life is pretty much watching telly and eating crisps. Take that eternity.
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