Friday 13th? Why risk it. Just stay in with a big plate of Mini Kievs and watch these top films
Friday
American Pie 2 ITV2 21.00
Disturbed man keeps having sex with a pie. WHY WON’T SOMEONE HELP HIM? HELP THE SEX PIE MAN.
Rambo: First Blood PT II ITV4 22.00
Vietnam war rematch with Rocky. Absurdly popular because the 80s were mental.
Pompeii 5* 23.00
Jolly John Snow vs a volcano. Featuring special effects made on a Commodore 64.
Saturday
Speed Film4 23.15
Less successful remake of classic Father Ted milkfloat episode.
Eraser ITV4 23.20
Arnold Shwarzenegger (totally spelt that right first time) plays a nice man who helps people who make mistakes with pencils. Not people who make mistakes with pens though. No one can help them.
The Core Film4 16.35
Scientists journey to the centre of an apple. Film4 show this at least once a week.
Sunday
Blitz 5* 23.15
This weekend’s Jason Statham film. Not sure of the plot but it probably involves him punching other people until he wins.
Space Chimps 2: Zartog Strikes Back E4 09.25
Profound examination of the human condition through the eyes of a chimp. A space chimp.
Boobs Community 22.15
Seriously. It’s called Boobs.
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