It’s the weekend! Why not distract yourself from the grinding misery of existence by drinking yourself into a stupor and passing out in front of these films.
Friday
The Sting 01.30 ITV3
Biography of rainforest bothering cod-reggae singer who can do sex for hours.
Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters 21.00 5*
“Hansel and Gretel are the ultimate witch-hunting vigilantes. Now, they must face an evil greater even than witches. Their past.”
That is, on my life, the actual genuine spiel for this film. I can’t top that.
Do you think anyone will ever say – ‘You know, I really miss that time when they updated fairy tales for a modern audience.’
Snowmageddon 11.00 Horror Channel
Frankly, if you’re not absurdly excited by this then you’re probably on the wrong website.
Saturday
Finding Neverland 13.55 BBC2
Well, where did you have Neverland last?
The Horse Whisperer 15.20 Sony Movie Channel
Man talks to horse for three and a half hours! You could watch Snowmageddon twice. No contest really.
In Hell 01.45 Sony Movie Channel
Jean-Claude Van Damme decides to go and see the bridge and gets stuck on that tricky ring road…oh, it’s ‘Hell,’ not ‘Hull.’
My idea would have been better.
Sunday
Ramrod 07.40 Movies4Men
Well, it’s listed as a Western…but Ramrod? Movies4men? Its gay porn, surely. Bit early, but please yourself
Pacific Rim 21.30 ITV2
More gay porn. Hawaiian themed.
Nowhere to Run 22.10 Talking Pictures TV
Try the park. Lovely at this time of year.
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