We, cute children, demand improved remuneration for saving Christmas after you, Santa, suffer festive calamity

For countless years, it has fallen on us, cute children, to save Christmas after you, Santa, are befallen by, or are responsible for, some manner of festive catastrophe.

In acknowledgement of our efforts, we demand a standard and consistent rate of remuneration above and beyond ‘learning a valuable lesson about yourself’ or ‘realising that the best gift, is the gift of family.’

With effect next holiday season, the following remuneration scale will be expected.

Rescuing Santa from jail – Nothing less than a PlayStation 5 along with 4k-compatible television. We will accept an Xbox if the jail is a small-town affair with limited staffing levels. If there is a need to involve a parent with legal expertise in the operation, then they should expect to receive compensation in the form of romantic reconciliation with estranged spouse or significant other. Any criminals in jail who offer aid will have to negotiate their own remuneration as we are children and really shouldn’t be involving ourselves with that sort of element.

Singing a carol to remind everyone of the true spirit of Christmas – $400 flat fee, plus acknowledgement that the cute child in question retains worldwide rights to any and all footage of the event, and is freely able to monetise said footage as the child sees fit.

Aid with present delivery – $10 per present delivered. If there is a requirement to enter households via chimney, then this rises to $25. It will be incumbent on Santa see that the child is insured against injury obtained in the act of entering the house in such a fashion. Also, despite centuries of tradition and good intention, the act of entering a house via a chimney would be classed as breaking and entering. As such, Santa will be obligated to provide legal counsel should any prosecutions arise from the act. That counsel should be provided by a legitimate, respectable legal firm, and not just someone with a struggling practice who Santa remembers delivering a He-Man and some Lego to when they were a child.

Looking after a lost elf – A Spiderman Ultimate Web Guitar and a $50 per day stipend for elf living expenses. Also, Santa will be responsible for any and all cleaning costs incurred as a result of looking after the elf. When they get nervous, they wee anywhere. We know this from dismal personal experience.

Recovering naughty/nice list – $300 per day throughout the duration of the investigation. A Hot Wheels Monster Truck Tournament of Titans Raceway on successful recovery of the list. The loan of a fully spec’d laptop would help the investigation move quicker. We would also respectfully suggest that Santa makes use of OneDrive, Dropbox, or any of myriad secure online storage solutions to store said list thus making it impossible to lose and saving everyone a lot of time.

Sharing Christmas dinner/presents with local orphan/poor family – Half the cost of dinner/presents. It’s only fair.

Work that will no longer be undertaken under any circumstance.

Performing some form of manual/mechanical labour on your sleigh – Such work will no longer by undertaken. After consultation with legal experts, this sort of mechanical work would be considered child labour and is unacceptable in this day and age at any price.

Comforting a sad reindeer – Over the course of the following year, Santa to attend anger-management and team-building skills courses. Reindeer will be treated fairly, equally, and with respect at all times. We do not expect ever to have to comfort a sad reindeer again as a result of a careless and cruel comment from Santa.

We look forward to Santa’s agreement to this remuneration scale and to a continued fruitful relationship between Santa and cute children throughout holiday seasons to come.