Ah, Christmas. Time for the TV premieres of all those films you downloaded from torrent sites months ago. Here’s our guide to the best films to have on in the background while pretending to be interested in your sister’s diatribe about her career injustices.
Christmas Eve
Home Alone Channel 4 17.25
Small boy tortures idiot burglars for your entertainment, you sickos.
It’s a Wonderful Life Channel 4 13.25
Incompetent banker scams townsfolk out of thousands of dollars with help of corrupt angel
Santa Claus: The Movie ITV 14.35
The sort of thing we had to watch before Netflix. Bloody awful.
Four Weddings and a Funeral Channel 4 22.40
Hugh Grant has dangerously floppy hair and goes to wacky weddings before his friend has a heart attack and everyone is too polite to interrupt the speeches to help him. To get his revenge, he makes Andie MacDowell stand in the rain.
Scrooge Channel 5 11.30
Ghosts defraud businessman by convincing him his future will be awful.
Christmas Day
White Christmas BBC2 11.25
Bing Crosby saves his friends hotel by singing a song, the name of which escapes me.
Love Actually ITV 22.45
PM gets off with the staff. Rick Grimes stalks her off Pirates of the Caribbean. Everything sorts it out at the end because Christmas
Some Like it Hot BBC2 16.40
Men dress up as ladies with hilarious consequences. Not as good as Nuns on the Run? Well, nobody’s perfect.
The Great Escape Channel 4 13.50
Dickie Attenborough tries to defeat the Nazis by whistling at them. Doesn’t go well.
Boxing day
Goodfellas BBC2 22.15
Everyone gets cross and shoots each other because Joe Pesci isn’t funny.
Frozen BBC1 12.25
No, *you* let it go.
Mary Poppins BBC1 14.25
Witch wreaks reign of terror on Victorian London.
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom ITV2 18.30
All the dinosaurs come to live in a big house in America with one of the detectorists.
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