Hey you. It’s the weekend. A perfect time to complete ignore that massive list of stuff to do you’ve got and sit about in your pants eating biscuits and watching films.
Here’s some movies you may end up watching because you can’t be arsed finding the remote.
Saturday
Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring 5* 17.35
Lazy wizard can’t be arsed to take ring to volcano so makes hobbits do it instead. They take ages.
Casino Royale ITV 20.30
Fact: The only James Bond adventure in which the entire story hinges on a plot point about his balls.
Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters 5* 21.00
“Hansel and Gretel are the ultimate witch-hunting vigilantes. Now, they must face an evil greater even than witches. Their past.”
That is, on my life, the actual genuine spiel for this film. I can’t top that.
Do you think anyone will ever say – ‘You know, I really miss that time when they updated fairy tales for a modern audience.’
Sunday
Bridge Over the River Kwai Paramount Network 17.45
Man builds bridge. Other man blows up bridge. Everyone goes home.
Features unnecessary amount of whistling.
Groundhog Day Sony Movies 18.55
Weatherman solves existential, philosophical crisis by getting off with Andie MacDowell.
A Few Good Men 5* 21.00
Jack Nicholson can’t handle the truth…or can he?
Find out exactly who can handle the truth in this shouty nineties classic.
Netflix film of the weekend
Silence of the Lambs
Anthony Hopkins gives a subtle and nuanced performance as a cannibal called Hannibal.
If his mum called him Mathilda, would he have been a builder?
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