It’s the weekend! Time to football your football right into your football, or if that’s not sure sort of football, watch these great films instead.
Friday
Braveheart Channel 5 22.00
Mel Gibson paints his face blue and goes to war against history.
Enemy of the State GREAT! Movies 21.00
Will Smith buys lady’s underwear with disastrous consequences.
Stealth Christmas Film, so GREAT! Movies, whoever you are, you’ve embarrassed yourself.
To Sir, With Love GREAT! Movies 19.55
Sidney Poitier! Lulu! Together at last. Thirty-something actor-types play hefty-looking schoolkids whose life is turned around when a major Hollywood star turns up to teach them about not being ‘sluttish’ and addressing each other by their surnames.
Cracking theme song that is so good they play it three times in the film.
Saturday
Apollo 13 ITV4 20.45
Tom Hanks gets stuck in space and can’t go to the moon. Men with tidy haircuts figure out how to get him back.
I won’t spoil the ending.
Pearl Harbour 5* 22.00
The tragic story of Japan’s attack on Hawaii is improved by Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett fighting over a sexy lady.
The Football All channels, forever
Sequel to last weekend’s The football. The continuing adventures of lots of men kicking their balls
Sunday
How the West was Won BBC2 13.50
Longest film in the world. Tells the story of the Wild west, seemingly in real time. Finishes on Thursday.
Bridge Over the River Kwai Paramount Network 17.45
Man builds bridge. Other man blows up bridge. Everyone goes home.
Features unnecessary amount of whistling.
Pretty Woman Channel 5 21.00
Feelgood prostitution classic. The eighties were weird.
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