Sonic star concerned about lack of opportunities for hedgehogs in film industry

The star of last year’s hit videogame movie Sonic the Hedgehog has spoken about his fears for the future and his determination to not become a one-hit-wonder

“Starring in Sonic was a dream come true,” said Jeff the hedgehog, who played the iconic Sonic.

“Here’s me, just an average hedgehog, and suddenly I’m playing in the biggest film of the year opposite Jim Carrey. Who was a joy, by the way. I learnt a lot from him, but also, I think he learnt a lot from me.”

Although he was disappointed not to receive an Oscar nomination, he was positive about the film.

“It would have been tremendous to be the first hedgehog to be nominated for an Oscar. It’s every hedgehog’s dream, but it wasn’t to be. Still, we had a hit film and a sequel coming soon.”

He admitted that he was worried about the future.

“I am a little worried about opportunities. There isn’t a huge amount of work for hedgehogs in the industry. I’ve been up for a few roles and people have been kind but it’s usually the same sort of response – ‘too spikey’– it’s disheartening.

“I mean, I’d love to work with Scorsese, who wouldn’t, right? But to the best of my knowledge, he’s never cast a hedgehog. Not even in Kundun. You know, I could have been great as Jimmy Hoffa in The Irishman, but I’m not sure I’d have ever been given the chance.”

Not to be disheartened, Jeff is developing his own project.

“Producer and star,” he laughed.

“Daunting but exciting. It’s about a maverick cop who discovers that organised crime has infiltrated the police force and the corruption goes all the way to the top. He decides to make a stand, just one hedgehog against a corrupt system.”

However, the project has been on hold for several months now.

“Yes, well. A hedgehog’s got to hibernate.”

Most people hopeful they’re living in the Matrix

The majority of the population are currently hopeful that they are living in a simulation of real life whilst their unknowing physical body is connected up to a giant network designed to power the artificial intelligence that controls everything.

“It would be a comfort, you know?” said Carrie Reeves.

“To know that all this was just a huge, artificial construct.

“I mean, it might even be broken. Now that would be sweet, because that would mean that someone would come along and fix it, and the whole thing would just become a nice, pleasant place where people don’t threaten each other on twitter and Burger King still does their Mushroom Double Swiss.”

In a study, over 60% of people said they would actually be quite relived if they found out the they were living in the Matrix.

“At least I’d be doing something useful with my life,” said Hugo Foster, a middle-manager in a company that does things that confuse him.

“I mean, yes, I’d be lying there, unconscious in a pod full of weird gloop, but at least I’d be making a contribution.

“I’ve spent the last three days working on a spreadsheet full of numbers.

“I don’t know what they mean. No one will read it. It’s pointless.

“God, I hope this is the Matrix.”

The same study also revealed that most people probably wouldn’t try and escape the Matrix provided they had nice smartphones and Netflix kept introducing good quality content.