It’s the weekend and this time you’re not going to waste it lying on the sofa watching mediocre films.
Keep telling yourself that as you enjoy any of these mediocre movies whilst laying on the sofa.
Friday
Bad Boys II W (What?) 22.00
Tough, macho cops Mike Lowrey and the other one take on a drugs kingpin in a desperate attempt to cover the deep, homosexual love they clearly have for each other.
Under Siege Film4 21.00
There were a lot of films released in the wake of Die Hard. Die Hard on a bus. Die Hard in a plane. This one is Die Hard with an unconvincing bloke with a pony tail who can’t act and has the charisma of a hedge.
A Christmas Arse All Channels Constantly
Successful young advertising executive Beryl Pants inherits a magical Christmas arse from her Auntie Christmas and learns the true meaning of Christmas.
Saturday
Dirty Dancing Channel 5 18.20
Somebody puts a baby in a corner and everyone gets cross and does an angry dance.
Pretty Woman ITV 22.30
See, prostitution isn’t all harrowing exploitation at the hands of organised crime, you might meet a rich bloke who looks like a movie star and have a lovely time.
Titanic Channel 4 19.00
Inconsiderate couple do sex in strangers car and boat sinks. Coincidence? Spend fifteen hours watching this to find out.
Sunday
Sliding Doors BBC3 22.00
Gwyneth Paltrow’s career diverges when she gets on a train. In one reality, she becomes a respected, Oscar-winning actress, in the other reality she sells magic vagina crystals to idiots.
Con Air ITV4 22.05
Nic Cage’s ponytail saves the day in classic film about convicts hijacking a plane and crashing into Las Vegas. Based on early Ibsen play.
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