What’s on TV this Christmas?
Nothing.
Niet, nada, not a jot, the square root of knack-all. I mean, when I was a kid Christmas telly was brilliant, the whole town would gather round to watch Eric and Ernie and Del and Rodney in front of a roaring fire whilst drinking Watneys Red Barrel. These days it’s just disaffected teens watching Youporn on expensive phones.
Oh go on then, if we must.
Victoria – A Christmas special starring her out of Doctor Who mucking about with her Prince Albert. Goes on for about nine hours.
Doctor Who – Scottish space man turns into woman. Expect the internet to explode.
Call the Midwife – The adventures of a midwife in the past. People genuinely watch this.
Eastenders – Three episodes of unconvincing cockneys being appalling to each other.
The Great Christmas Bake off – Check Prue Leith’s Twitter feed this evening for the winner, then you won’t have to bother watching tomorrow. You’re welcome.
Mrs Brown’s Boys – Don’t even get me started.
The Queen – featuring your Uncle doing his joke about whether she’ll do Bohemian Rhapsody this year.
Some sort of cartoon rat thing – I don’t know, but the BBC seem quite puffed up about it. The sort of thing you’ll try to watch as a family but you won’t be able to get the kids off their new Nintendo.
The 1986 Val Doonican special – I’m not even joking. BBC4, really hitting their intellectual remit by screening a thirty-year-old chat show with Dennis Taylor and Jan Leeming.
Strictly Come Dancing – Because that hasn’t been on enough recently.
Church stuff – You won’t watch it.
Screen Idle recommendation: Doctor Who if pushed, but frankly you’ll be better off power-drinking through lunch and passing out before you see Windsor Castle.
Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas
The only “normal TV programme” i watch is MOTD.I always watch Movie Box Pro and cast to my TV. Normal programmes are about as exciting as watching paint dry