Ah, Christmas. The time for the TV premiere of all those huge blockbuster films that you illegally downloaded from torrent sites over a year ago. Here’s our guide to the best of the festive season.
Christmas Eve
Happy Feet – 4.40 ITV2
Mad Max director George Miller’s comedy penguin musical. Needs more post-apocalyptic mayhem, if we’re honest. At the very least there should be a penguin strapped to a car playing a guitar with flames coming out of the fretboard
Monsters University – 2.20 BBC1
The monsters rack up a lifetime of debt and develop a crippling alcohol problem as they head off to university in this harrowing sequel.
Gone with the wind – 9.20 Channel 5
Civil War epic. Finishes on December 28th
Das Boot – 4.00 History Channel
Classic German film about a boot.
Bugsy Malone – 11.35 ITV3
The Godfather with pies. I’d imagine Jodie Foster won an Oscar for it
Jack Frost – 9.55 ITV
A dead dad returns as a snowman. Seriously.
Christmas Day
Cinderella – 3.10 BBC1
Woman loses shoe. Man finds it.
Skyfall – 7.45 ITV2
Decent James Bond film. Although the final hour is a total rip-off of Home Alone
Oliver! – 3.10 Channel 5
Wacky musical about grinding poverty and child exploitation
Santa Claus: The Movie – 12.50 ITV
The sort of thing we had to watch before Netflix. Bloody awful
Downfall – 1.00 History Channel
Because nothing says season of goodwill like three hours in Hitler’s bunker. Ho ho ho.
Scrooge
I mean, I haven’t checked. But you’d imagine there’ll be about eight different versions on throughout the day, wouldn’t you? One year there was a version with Grant Mitchell off Eastenders on a housing estate. Unless I dreamt that.
Boxing Day
Jurassic World – 6.40 ITV
Giant lizards get cross and eat everyone. Woman wears controversial shoes throughout.
ET – 3.30 ITV
Aliens invade and cowardly children collude with them.
Back To The Future – 6.00 Channel 4
Teenager travels back in time and fails to get off with his mum.
More Scrooge
Bound to be.
Bears – 7.55 BBC2
Documentary about some bears. Might be time to crack open that Game of Thrones box set you got for Christmas
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