Review – IT

I rose this morning in the sort of funk that can only be brought about by the prospect of mingling with the vile hot-polloi at the multiplex.

I prepare myself for the inevitable communication from the chief cretin at witless cinema ‘blog’ screen-idle by immersing myself in the revolutionary Decca recording of Der Ring des Nibelung

The telephone rings. I answer.

“Alright,” says the cretin. I assume this to be some form of primitive greeting and offer nothing in response.

“I need you to review it,” he demands, clearly eating what, having met the man, I would assume is some form of pastried comestible. I have no idea to what he refers.

“What?” I ask, not unreasonably.

“It,” he responds.

“What?” I demand

“It. Review it.”

I am baffled, is he being euphemistic? I consider that unlikely. This is a man who once publicly belched the chorus to a Beatles record. I can’t imagine he would ever feel the need for euphemism for even the most revolting sentiment

I assume that the simpleton’s brain has declined even further and attempt to deal with him on basic terms.

“Sir, you wish me to offer an opinion on a film, do you not?” I ask.

He grunts in what I can only assume is assent

“What film?”

“It.”

“What?”

“It.”

“What?”

“It. Review it. Go, and review it now.”

“How, sir, can you expect me to review it, when I have no idea of what you wish me to review. You are an infuriating man, and I have no further patience for this conversation.”

I terminate the call and return to Georg Solti and John Culshaw’s magnificent achievement

Screen Idle star rating for it

?

I still have no idea what ‘it’ is