One-hit wonders and ‘Friends’ theme tune singers creators, The Rembrandts, are categorically refusing to be there for anyone anymore.
An unknown, unrecognisable lead singer, complained, “Frankly we’ve had enough of phone calls from people asking us to help with their problems. Seriously, the phone’s been ringing off the hook since late 1994.
“That’s 24 years of constant phone calls from people whose jobs are a joke, people who are broke, people whose lovelife is … oh, if only there was a term for it.
“The first batch would often be talking ‘til 10am. Don’t forget: these are people whose work begins at 8!
“There were people who burned their breakfast. I think the fact they were eating cereal really tells you the kind of people we’re dealing with here.
“The amount of people who have rung us with gearbox problems ALONE is incomprehensible! I don’t know where they got the idea we’re some sort of automotive repair company.
“Bizarrely, we only get problems where the cars are stuck in a particular gear. I’m not going to say which, as it’ll only encourage others.”
“Oh, for a first- or third-gear problem…” lamented one of them in the background.
Lead singer guy continued, “This was only supposed to last a couple of years at most, then it lasted ten years. Ten flippin’ years! And then, because of E4, Comedy Central, and now Netflix, it’s 24 years! 24 years of being there for EVERYONE!
“We’re into subsequent generations of needy’s now. Even when the rain starts to pour!
“Okay, so we’re INSANELY flipping rich, for doing practically no work and just writing exactly the right thing at perfectly the right time, but you’ve got to feel for us.
“From now on, we’re on a BREAK!”
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