In the words of the poet – ‘It’s colder than a well-digger’s ass,’ so why not spend the entire weekend wrapped in a duvet, drinking prosecco from the bottle, eating your own body-weight in malteasers, and watching these classic movies.
Friday
Gladiator 21.00 Film4
Grumpy Australian plays grumpy Spaniard and wins Oscar. Clearly a slow year.
Django Unchained 23.25 5*
90 minutes of half decent western wrapped in a three-hour film. Has a comedy Ku Klux Klan bit. People give this bloke money to make films. Baffles me.
2012 17.40 Sony Movie Channel
Documentary about those terrible events six years ago when California fell into the sea, France caught fire, and everyone had to go and live on a boat with John Cusack and one of the Musketeers.
Saturday
Field of Dreams 13.00 Film4
Kevin Costner builds a baseball field, and he did come. Not like that. Filth, the lot of you.
Far and Away 18.05 Sony Movie Channel
Hilarious comedy about Tom Cruise doing an Irish accent.
White House Down 22.05 ITV2
Gerard Butler thriller from a time when taking the White House by force was frowned upon (Yes, I know I’ve done that before but it’s a good joke and you didn’t laugh enough).
Sunday
Wyatt Earp 12.50 Channel 5
Kevin Costner Western that’s even longer than Dances with Wolves. Do something more productive with your time. Like an entire university course.
Reign of Fire 23.30 BBC1
Londoners forced underground after dragons attack and subjugate everyone. A terrifying vision of post-brexit Britain.
Child of Darkness, Child of Light 08.00 The Horror Channel
Make your mind up.
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