The wise, ancient, and peaceful alien civilization that has peacefully ruled an entire galaxy for millennia doesn’t even have an out-of-town shopping village.
The embarrassing admission was made during initial contact between the human race and the civilisation and has left humanity reconsidering whether it wants to establish and maintain contact with such a people.
“At first, they seemed great,” explained human emissary Stewart James.
“They had knowledge of the universe and life and science that was thousands of years ahead of us. They were peaceful, wise, generous and wanted nothing more than to help elevate the human race to a higher level.
“But then, just in passing, I asked if there was an out-of-town hardware store nearby, as I needed to pick up some things for my spaceship.
“They just looked at me, utterly baffled. They had no concept of an out-of-town shopping facility.
“I felt a bit embarrassed for them, if I’m honest.
News of the backwards manner in which the aliens live their lives reached the people of earth.
“No out-of-town shopping? It’s a bit crap, isn’t it,” said Kelly Grace, who had previously been excited by the prospect of alien contact.
“I mean, they give it all that about maintaining a peaceful existence across their galaxy for thousands of years, but if they want to do any shopping, they have to pop into the centre of town? Even on a busy Saturday morning?
“They need to sort themselves out.”
It is also understood that the alien civilisation doesn’t have MP3 players, a reliable take-away food service, or trainers.
“You see, I’m not sure these guys are really for us,” continued Grace.
“Perhaps we should keep looking for an alien civilisation that has at least got the basics right.”
Some links to other bits of the blog that you’ll love*…
*Alright, perhaps ‘love’ is pushing it, maybe ‘be mildly diverted by’
Want to know what’s on telly this weekend? No problem, click on this Weekend Film Guide
Want to impress friends with your superior film knowledge? You’ll be wanting the Fun Facts page.
Or, if links aren’t your thing, here’s an old article you might like…
Nuns on the Run to be adapted for TV because everything else is
1990’s nun classic Nuns on the Run is to be adapted for TV because literally every other film is.
The announcement comes in the wake of news that Jason Bourne, Blue Crush, Devil’s Advocate and pretty much every other film from the last thirty years is to be turned into a TV show.
“Yeah, to be honest, we were just going through IMDB to find films that weren’t in production as TV shows and we came across this nun thing,” said showrunner Eric Coltrane.
“We looked at it, we saw British guys in dresses, we figured why not, am I right?”
Mr Coltrane teased fans with an idea of what to expect.
“Hell, I don’t know. British guy. Puts on one of those nun outfits. Gets up to crazy antics. Someone probably learns a valuable lesson at some point.”
Fans were cautiously optimistic.
“Well, obviously, I’m just happy to have more Nuns on the Run, who wouldn’t be,” said Nuns on the Run superfan Martin Nicholas.
“I can only hope they capture the beauty, truth and profound poignancy of the original.”
It is expected that after Nuns on the Run, the next film to be adapted for TV will be Crocodile Dundee, because why not?
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