Night of the Hunter remake sees The Rock chasing sexy teens through space

A Night of the Hunter remake has been announced because that’s the kind of world we’re living in now.

A classic of fairy-tale horror, the Charles Laughton-directed original saw total bastard Robert Mitchum marry and murder a woman and chase her children down the river because he’s a total bastard.

The remake will update the story for a more modern sensibility.

“Okay, we love Night of Hunting. Classic movie. Great work from Charles Hawtrey,” said producer Stewart James.

“But it’s, what? Two? Three hundred years old now? Time to move on.

“First thing, it was set in the countryside. Who cares about the countryside now? No one, that’s who. It’s not, like, the olden times. It’s now it’s modern. It’s bang. It’s in space.

“Yeah, we thought about making it a gritty urban thing with rap music and drugs, but we went with space instead. A chase across space. Exciting.”

The next thing was to cast the Robert Mitchum role.

“We only had one name in mind – The Rock. Or possibly Vin Diesel or Jason Statham. Luckily, The Rock said yes, so we didn’t need to ask those other guys.

“Can’t have The Rock playing the bad guy though so – twist! He’s now the good guy.
Another change was to replace the children with sexy teens.

“Hey, why have kids when you can have sexy teens. That’s what I say. So, we got, I don’t know, Timothee Chalamet and Millie Bobby Brown.

“They’re sexy, they’re in love, they steal their Mum’s spaceship and The Rock chases them. Sexy scrapes, snappy one-liners, a space laser battle, and a happy ending where everyone learns a lesson.

“Night of the Hunter 2020-style.”

Should the Night of the Hunter remake prove a success, it is thought classic mystery Les Diaboliques will be remade as a superhero dinosaur movie.