New Titanic Director’s Cut has running time of infinity

Fans of 1997 classic Titanic are being advised to bring a cushion to screenings of the newly released Director’s Cut version as, with a running time of infinity, the film is expected to go on until the sun cools, earth freezes and all human life as we understand it comes to an end.

Using specially developed new technology, director James Cameron has included, in his new version of Titanic, every event that ever took place before the sinking of the famous luxury cruise-liner and, incredibly, every event that has and will take place after the sinking.

“Yeah, I got the idea when I literally invented cameras able to withstand the immense pressure of the bottom of the ocean,” said Mr Cameron.

“If I could invent a camera capable of that, then surely I would be able to invent a camera capable of filming every single event that has ever and will ever occur.”

“Sure enough, I was able to do so. Largely by shouting.”

Industry experts scoffed when Cameron’s plans became public knowledge as both logic and science would dictate that filming every event that has ever taken place would have a production schedule of the rest of time.

However, Cameron was able to significantly reduce that timeframe.

“Yes, I got it down to three years. Again, largely by shouting.”

Titanic superfan Lance Williams was overjoyed at the news .

“I can’t blooming wait,” said Mr Williams, wearing a life-size replica of Kate Winslet’s head as a hat.

“I love Titanic more than anything, so watching it until the end of time is something I think I’m really going to enjoy.”

“I might even treat myself and go twice.”