New Indiana Jones movie could be two-parter cackles insane, sadistic producer

Producer Kathleen Kennedy, a cruel and evil sadist, has made a series of terrifying claims about the forthcoming Indiana Jones film.

She began by confirming that the film had not been cancelled.

“Oh, it’s coming alright. It’s coming, just you wait. It’s coming and there’s nothing any of you can do,” she cackled, clearly enjoying the discomfort of film fans everywhere at the prospect of another Indiana Jones film.

However, things became more concerning when she straightened her face, stifled a smile and, with faux-innocence, asked the simple question – “But should it be only one film?”

Leaving the horror of her question to sink in, she paused for a few seconds before resuming.

“Perhaps we should make a film that is long, far too long. Too long, in fact, to be contained in one film.

“Perhaps we should release Indiana Jones 5 part 1 one Christmas and then Indiana Jones 5 part 2 the following Christmas, even though it’ll be clear to everyone that it was only ever one film, with a variety of needless conversational padding added to stretch it into two.

“We could do that, you know. We could do whatever we want,” she then cackled evilly for a full minute before continuing.

“Yes, two parts. We’ll make it two parts, we’ll have too much CGI, we’ll have an annoying sidekick character, we’ll have a bit with Indy on a spaceship, we’ll make it 3D only.

“That’s what we’ll do. That’s just what we’ll do, because we hate the fans more than anything, and we want to ruin their childhood memories of this beloved franchise.”

After another full minute of maniacal cackling she added – “And you’ll all come and see it, regardless.”

And we will too.