A supposedly maverick cop has today admitted that he isn’t actually ‘maverick’ at all, he’s just incompetent.
Detective Stewart James who presumably works out of the toughest precinct in New York made the astonishing confession after getting his ass chewed out by the chief, which isn’t as rude as it sounds.
“Oh man, look, the chief? He’s got a point,” said Detective James.
“I’ve got three months of paperwork backed up. I tell everyone that the pencil-necks at City Hall can shove their paperwork up their ass, because I’m a real cop and I do my work in the streets. But really, I just don’t understand the paperwork.
“I mean, seriously, there’s all these official words like ‘reprobate’ and ‘moratorium’ – I don’t know what they mean.
“I tried to do my best to fill one in once, but the chief nailed my ass for not taking it seriously. I did take it seriously! I really did. I just don’t do words good.
Detective James also admitted that he couldn’t remember the Miranda warning, so he where possible he’d just shoot bad guys and say something cool.
“You have the right to remain…what? Shy? Relaxed? I don’t know man. I can’t remember.
“It’s a lot easier to just shoot the drug dealer and say ‘Addiction? Cured’ or shoot the serial killer and say ‘Next victim? You.’
“Chief kicks my ass for how many perps I kill. There’s a lot stuff going on with people’s ass here, it’s unpleasant. Also, what’s a perp?”
Detective James is also divorced from two wives and has an alcohol problem.
“When I got married the second time, I kept forgetting where I lived and going back to Lydia’s place.
“And I don’t have a drink problem, I just told everyone that because I felt stupid that I kept going to the wrong house.”
However, despite the astonishing confession that he is incompetent and not a maverick cop, the chief admitted Detective James will not be fired.
“No,” he said.
“He may be stupid, forgetful, incompetent and a bit sleepy, but dammit! He gets results.”
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*Alright, perhaps ‘love’ is pushing it, maybe ‘be mildly diverted by’
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Blade Runner 2049 plot is Deckard making a cup of tea before Poldark comes on
The plot of long-awaited sequel Blade Runner 2049 has been announced and will see Harrison Ford’s Deckard having just 11 minutes to make a cup of tea before Poldark comes on
Set at 20.49 on a Sunday night at an undisclosed time in the future, Deckard and Ryan Gosling’s Officer K are both big fans of Poldark and looking forward to it starting as usual at 9pm on Sunday evening.
However, with just eleven minutes to go, Officer K asks Deckard to make him a quick brew before it starts.
“I really wanted to bring out the humanity of the blade runners,” said director Denis Villeneuve.
“We’ve already seen them in action chasing down replicants in rain-soaked LA. I wanted to see the men behind these heroes.”
“Just before Poldark on a Sunday evening is a troubling time for most people, you’ve got work the next day, you want an early night, but paradoxically, you want to make your weekend last a little bit longer. So here we see our two blade runners just trying to eek out the weekend a little longer with one last cup of tea.”
However, there is more to the eagerly awaited film than just Harrison Ford’s race to get the tea properly brewed in time.”
“No, obviously there’s more to it than just the tea,” chuckled Denis
“There’s a terrific subplot about whether or not Officer K has got enough time to pop to the loo for a quick wee or not.”
“It’s going to blow people away.”
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