Man who hasn’t yet seen Top Gun: Maverick shunned by society

A man who hasn’t yet been to see Top Gun: Maverick has been spurned and shunned by society forever.

Stewart James, a leg measurer from Chelmsford Essex, is now living in a remote hut in a field in East Essex.

“I just didn’t fancy it,” said Mr James, seemingly unaware of quite how offensive he was being.

“I vaguely remember seeing the first one, and it was a lot of silly men shouting slogans at each other in planes.”

His local community soon discovered that he hadn’t seen the film and, worse, had no intention of doing so, and began to steer clear of him.

“People would point and stare, you know – ‘that’s that man who’s not seen Top Gun: Maverick yet. Don’t go near him.’

“Then shops began to put up signs – ‘Only people who’ve seen Top Gun: Maverick welcome here’ – Work found out and sacked me, saying they only wanted people who could join in with a lively discussion on how good Top Gun: Maverick was.”

Finally, Mr James got home to find his house vandalised with the words ‘Not Maverick T**t’ scrawled on walls. He retreated to his remote hut.

“Society no longer wants me,” he continued

“Fine. I’ll live in my hut.”

Neighbours were pleased when he left.

“Glad he’s gone,” said one.

“Didn’t like having someone round here who’d never seen Top Gun: Maverick. Made me uneasy. What else was capable of? Weirdo.”

Mr James now lives his simple life in a field with his only company being a woman living in a hut in the next field who was shunned by society because she thought Spiderman: No Way Home ‘wasn’t all that.’