‘Make your own jokes about wiping his bottom’ – Weekend Film Guide 14th May

It’s the weekend. Time to lie on the sofa without any trousers on, eating your own body-weight in Malteasers and watching these great films

Friday

Before I go to Sleep BBC1 23.40

Film about someone having a milky drink, brushing their teeth, trying to decide if they can be bothered to have another crack at Wolf Hall, turning out the light, getting up a few minutes later for a wee, and then turning the light out again.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 MTV One 21.00

Grumpy vampires are back again. Quite what poor old Dawn has done to annoy them, I don’t know. You’d best watch the film to find out, I guess.

Terminator Genisys Film4 22.50

A relentless killing machine comes back from the future to punish film-makers for their terrible spelling.

Saturday

Pretty Woman ITV 22.35

See, prostitution isn’t all harrowing exploitation at the hands of organised crime, you might meet a rich bloke who looks like a movie star and have a lovely time.

Far From The Madding Crowd BBC2 20.00

Thomas Hardy adaptation, so expect brutal cold-hearted men, ill-treated women, loads of mud, and someone dying of consumption. Or plague. Or boredom.

One day humankind will have forgotten the works of Thomas Hardy. I can only hope that happens in my lifetime.

Jaws 2 ITV4 21.00

When Amity Beach is terrorised by a giant, out-of-control tiger, there’s only one person they can call – Jaws!

I mean, I haven’t checked, but it’ll be something like that.

Sunday

The Dirty Dozen ITV4 21.00

Lee Marvin and his chums need a wash.

Back to the Future Part II ITV2 17.50

Marty has to go into the future to go back to the present to go back to the past to try and snog his mum again.

Edward Scissorhands GREAT! Movies 16.25

Feel free to make your own jokes about wiping his bottom or picking his nose, I’m above all that sort of thing.