Experts have issued the stark warning that if Disney continues on its current course, a live-action, hip hop musical version of Fantasia could well be inevitable.
“I don’t see any other outcome,” explained Kelly Grace, Professor of Very Bad Things at Oxford University.
“Disney really, really like money and the general public, being bizarre and freakish, enjoy going to see live-action remakes of animated classics.
“It seems to me that as they’re combing through their back-catalogue, they’ll find that dusty DVD of Fantasia that’s been unplayed for years, because why would you, and go – ‘screw it, hip hop musical!”
Professor Grace went on to explain what a live-action hip hop musical of Fantasia might look like.
“Well, we’ll have a cast of nubile and bouncy attractive people who look constantly grumpy because they have ‘attitude.’
“Then we’ll have the seven different segments, updated and ‘hip-hopified’
“Take The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. I would imagine that would take place in a successful rapper’s crib, with the rapper waking up after a sexy party and demanding his assistant clears up. A pounding hip-hop beat kicks in and the assistant does a bit of grumpy-faced street dancing with attitude as she cleans up, then she smokes a magic spliff and lots of computer graphic versions of cleaning materials appear to help her clean up and it all goes amusingly wrong.
Terrifyingly, Professor Grace suggested this might not be the worst segment.
“No, don’t forget there’s a segment based on Rite of Spring. Imagine a hip hop version of Rite of Spring? It’s not like the original isn’t unlistenable enough already.”
Professor Grace offered the following advice for the public, should a hip hop musical version of Fantasia come to pass.
“Well, I would imagine that the only sensible thing to do is to have both your ears and eyes sewn up.
“Yes, that would mean you won’t be able to see or hear anything ever again, but if that means you never have to engage with a hip hop musical version of Fantasia, it’ll be worth it.”
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Fast & Furious 9 to be entirely electric
The next installment of the Fast & Furious franchise will exclusively feature electric cars.
In the film’s climactic scene, Vin Diesel, who the Government are banning from 2040, will tear away from some lights, accelerating from 0-60 in 13.7 seconds, before running out of power before the next junction.
Vegan director McFincher says, “To stay within government limits, and certain sensible preset climate change parameters, Fast & Furious has to evolve into Slow & Sensible Attitude to Global Warming.
“Drag races will necessarily be reduced from their current quarter-mile length, as electric cars simply don’t go that far. They will now race over 100 metres and can be outpaced by even the most mediocre of sprinters.
“To keep within the new tone, rather than overly-macho characters shouting over at each other, there is now a opportunity to discuss – at quite some length – the downfalls of the internal combustion engine and its impact on the habitats of the Great Crested Newt.
“The main characters will square off against each other over who has the heaviest batteries. This scene will get very sweaty, but primarily as none of the cars have the air-conditioning turned on so they can get an extra 5 miles out of the thing.”
Fast & Furious 9: Eco-Motion opens in 2022. If it gets there in time
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