Keira Knightley to launch Toast Toppers 2.0

Pirates of the Caribbean star Keira Knightly will, later this week, launch Toast Toppers 2.0.

Toast Toppers were small tins of grey goo that students of the nineties and noughties would spread on bits of toast and eat in the absence of real food.

Tragically, Heinz discontinued Toast Toppers in the early 2010s in a move considered to be massively out-of-step with the wants and needs of the British public.

Knightley surprised fans by taking time off from acting to bring them back.

“I have been working on recipes for just over a year now,” said the Oscar-nominee in her first interview about the new venture.

“Getting the goo correct has been a real challenge, but I think that a combination of slug-slime, reclaimed carcass material and pounds and pounds of salt has pretty much nailed it.

“We’ve got bacon and mushroom flavour, chicken and mushroom…anything and mushroom, really. Do you know how many mushrooms you can find walking through a forest? And just pick up for free? It’s a no-brainer really.”

She went on to explain her passion for Toast Toppers

“Well, what normal person doesn’t love a Toast Topper,” she said, incredulous.

“The cute little tin, the ease of cooking, the molten effect that could take the roof of your mouth off. I believe then and now that they are Britain’s greatest culinary achievement.”

“Like all right-thinking people, I was bereft when they were discontinued and vowed that I would make my life’s work to bring them back and, with Toast Toppers 2.0, I have finally achieved that goal.”

Following the launch of Toast Toppers 2.0, Knightly has pledged to bring back strawberry flavoured Cresta.

“Of course,” she laughed.

“It’s frothy, man.”