Insecure serial killer worried hat made of human skin makes nose look big

An insecure serial killer has admitted that he is concerned that his hat made of human skin makes his nose look too big.

Dr Mitch ‘The Stich’ Clakton used the skin of over twenty of his victims in order to make his hat.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s a marvellously well-crafted hat and I’m very happy with it,” he said.

“But it does seem to, I don’t know, over-emphasise my nose which, to be honest, is not a feature I’ve ever been happy with. In fact, the first people I ever killed in my life-long spree were my parents for passing on the genes that gifted me this grotesque nasal protuberance.”

Doctor Clakton proceeded to try the hat on at different angles.

“Now, you see, I think it works if I wear it at a jaunty angle, but as a serial killer who skins his victims, I’m really not sure if ‘jaunty’ is a good look for me.

“I think really, I need to wear the hat conservatively, but when I do that, all I see is nose, nose, nose.

“And I’ve just noticed that I’ve left a mole on the brim, that will need to be fixed. Honestly, I don’t think people realise quite how much work goes into being a serial killer.

“It’s not enough that I’ve got to deal with the dogged cop who’s determined to see me behind bars before his retirement, but I’ve got to have advanced millinery skills as well.

“Sometimes I wish I’d just become a banker like my grandpa always said I should – before I killed and skinned him, of course.”

Resigned, Dr Clakton came to a decision.

“I think it’s clear that a hat made of human skin is always going to cause me problems, so the only solution is to find something to de-emphasise my nose – perhaps a subtle foundation to alter the skin tone?

“Either that or a cravat made from entrails.”