Government cuts programme to send cyborg back to past to kill our enemies

The Government yesterday announced it would be cutting its programme to develop a number of cyborgs and send them back to the past to kill all our enemies.

“I’m afraid that cuts are required across all departments at present,” explained Government spokesman Stewart James.

“Naturally, a programme to build an indestructible cyborg with time-travelling abilities is an expensive one, and we just can’t justify that cost.”

The programme began a decade ago, after The Terminator and The Terminator 2 were shown back-to-back on TV one evening.

“I remember, it was my boss at the time, Jeremy Bastard, he came in and said that he’d come up with a fabulous way to eliminate our enemies around the world. Naturally, I assumed he was going to institute a series of sanctions backed up with the threat of military action, but then he started going on about life-like human cyborgs and so we started on this programme.

“I always thought that it was a certainly a bold idea, considering both time-travel and cyborgs are science fiction. We did make some progress though, we actually made Chris Pratt, a genuinely convincing human-like cyborg.

“Sadly, we could never raise it’s AI above the intelligence of an 11-year-old boy which meant inter-dimensional espionage was out of the question. But it’s about the right level for acting.”

There had also been speculation that Government programmes to build a dinosaur theme park and create a cybernetic police officer would also be cut, but so far they have survived.