FIFA 23 to feature revolutionary hat technology, improved fart physics

Details of this year’s instalment of the popular FIFA franchise have been announced and the big changes include some revolutionary hat tech, and lifelike fart physics.

“We’ve really pushed the envelope of wearing a hat in videogames,” explained Stewart James, manager of the hat technology team at EA.

“In other FIFA games, you’ll have seen people in the crowd wearing a hat, but they never really looked like they were wearing a hat properly. It just looked like there was a hat on the person’s head. This year we’ve actually brought in hat experts, milliners, and people wearing hats.

“Working with these guys, we’ve created some brand-new hat tech that means that when you see someone in the crowd is wearing a hat, they really, really look like they’re wearing a hat.

Lifelike fart physics is something FIFA fans have been clamouring for.

“Yes,” laughed Kelly Grace, EA fart expert.

“Realistic fart physics are finally part of FIFA. I can only apologise that it’s taken so long. To be honest, there’s just been no focus on flatulence in FIFA games. To look at a FIFA game, you’d think no one ever farts.

“This year, you can hold right bumper and press X to fart, then you’ll hear one of over five hundred different fart sounds, which will change depending on what they player is doing when they fart, and you will notice a ripple of their shorts that changes from subtle to heavy depending on the nature of the fart.

“You’re literally going to feel what it must be like to stand next to Leo Messi when he farts.”

It had been hoped that this year would finally see licenced referee whistles, and the ability to control when the manager chews and spits out gum, but it seems like that will have to wait for next year.