CD Projekt have announced that after extensive post-release bug-fixing and patching the current version of Cyberpunk 2077 is ‘unlikely’ to blow up your house.
“You can, of course, never be 100% sure,” explained developing Stewart James.
“But we do believe we’ve found all of the bugs that would cause your house to explode whilst playing the game, and it’s now extremely unlikely to happen.
“There is still a chance of explosions near your house, of course – your shed, or your garden pond – we haven’t quite got to the bottom of what causes every explosion. So, it’s best if you only play it when your Dad isn’t in the shed. But the big house explosions that we saw? They’re now pretty unlikely to happen.”
The game has been plagued by bugs since its release in 2020. Some destroying all game progress, others causing catastrophic diarrhoea, but the most notorious bugs are the ones that cause the house to explode.
“I was playing it just after it came out,” said Kelly Grace, an RPG fan from Droitwich.
“I was exploring the Westbrook area of the map and suddenly the game started stuttering, then it completely froze and after a couple of seconds my house exploded.
“Dad was furious. He was out at the time but when he came back, he saw the pile of rubble and he was like ‘that’s it Kells, I’m confiscating that bloody PlayStation,’ which was a bit unfair but I can’t blame him. It’s not really right for them to release a game that causes your house to blow up is it?”
CD Projekt have apologised for how long it has taken for them to get the game to the state where it wouldn’t blow up people’s houses.
“I am very sorry,” said Stewart.
“We would have got there a bit quicker but, annoyingly, while we were testing a new build in January, we triggered a bug that blew up the office, so that set us back a bit.”
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*Alright, perhaps ‘love’ is pushing it, maybe ‘be mildly diverted by’
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EU rules ‘Long Good Friday’ not long enough and should be renamed ‘Average-length Good Friday’
A new EU ruling has left reeling the producers of popular Bob Hoskins geezer classic The Long Good Friday.
After an eight month investigation into the film, EU length experts have ruled that it’s 1hr 54m duration did not constitute ‘long’ and it should be renamed Average-length Good Friday with immediate effect.
“We’re dumbstruck,” said Dame Helen Mirren, who starred alongside Bob Hoskins in the 1981 film.
“They said it was misleading and false advertising. It’s ridiculous.”
It is understood that producers intend to appeal the decision as the title refers to the events in the film which take place over the course of a Good Friday.
However, the EU has indicated that any such appeal would likely be unsuccessful as there is no indication that the Good Friday depicted in the film is any longer than a standard Good Friday which runs, typically, for 24 hours.
All marketing and titles for the film will need to be changed within the EU or producers could face punitive fines.
Although the EU have not announced plans to investigate the titles of other films, producers of The Long Kiss Goodnight, The Loneliness of a Long Distance Runner, and A Love Song for Bobby Long are said to be concerned.
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