The problems continue for beleaguered studio CD Projekt after a new Cyberpunk 2077 bug was discovered that gives players an immediate, and devastating, bout of diarrhoea.
The bug occurs in the late game and is triggered on the outskirts of Night City on a particular sidequest to take down a criminal gang of cybernetically enhanced pigeons
“To be honest, I hadn’t had that many problems with the game until last Wednesday,” explained Stewart James, who reported the bug.
“I mean, I’d heard of the one that turns the entire game into a PowerPoint presentation for projected North American sales of The Witcher 3, so I just avoided melee combat.
“But, personally, I’d had nothing that affected me.
“Then, last Wednesday, I drove out to the edge of the city for this sidequest and a pigeon swooped right in front of me, so I took out my heavily modded Arsewacker 3000 shotgun, shot the pigeon and, as it exploded in a spectacular cloud of viscera, I sh*t myself.
“Naturally, at first, I just thought it was something I’d eaten, so after I cleared everything up and had a shower, I got back to the game, and took another shot at a pigeon and sh*t myself again.
“It’s no joke. I’ve had to burn my XPLODE-4 gaming chair, and I’ve got to take salt tablets for a week.”
Mr Stewart added the new Cyberpunk 2077 bug to the ‘report a problem’ forum, which currently runs to 24,000 pages. Other players have since confirmed its existence.
“I was played at work when I discovered the bug,” said UK MP Laura Trott.
“The cleaners were not happy with me.”
CD Projekt are investigating the bug urgently, but with last week’s bug that moves the player back in time by a day and the still unfixed launch bug that causes birds to fling themselves at the player’s window, their work appears to be cut out.
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Guy Ritchie to direct cockney remake of The Seventh Seal
Authentic working-class cockney Londoner and no mistake guvner Guy Ritchie has announced that following on from his cockney take on King Arthur, he will be directing a cockney remake of existential Swedish classic The Seventh Seal
Starring Ray Winstone as a disillusioned cockney knight returning home from the crusades and Vinnie Jones as a cockney Death, the remake will remain faithful to the original but just be more cockney
“Oi oi, innit, do one or what mate. Have it,” said Mr Ritchie, for some reason.
“I bleeding love the original Seventh Seal, don’t I? But, thing is, right, it ain’t really very cockney. So, how are ordinary cockney folk like me meant to relate to it. We can’t. Which is a bleeding shame, ain’t it?
“So, yeah, I’m going to keep it the same – knight geezer comes back from war, has a game of chess with Death. Bish bash bosh. Everyone’s a winner.
“I might make it darts though, and set the game in a right traditional cockney boozer.”
“Sweet as a nut.”
Currently shooting in a car park in Leytonstone, The Seventh Bleeding Seal, mate is expected to be ready for next summer
If it proves successful, then Mr Ritchie has a plan to follow it up.
“Yeah, the Eighth Seal. Makes sense doesn’t it. Death and the Knight have another right old caper.”
“Blinding.”
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