Arrival sequel to see Amy Adams teach aliens to do the Macarena

Fans of cerebral sci-fi were pleasantly surprised at the news that there will be a sequel to 2016’s Arrival that will again see Amy Adams’ linguist Louise Banks have to communicate with aliens to teach them how to do the dance for the Macarena.

“I thought it was a one-off story, I really did. I mean, why would you need an Arrival sequel?” said director Denis Villeneuve.

“But I couldn’t get out of my head the idea that these aliens existed outside of linear time, and if you existed out of time, then you’d probably still think the Macarena was cool.”

The plot will see the world wake again to the sight of giant spaceships around the globe, only this time they are all playing the Macarena at full volume.

Scientists are puzzled but Doctor Banks, who understands the aliens’ language and can therefore see outside of linear time, has seen a future in which the aliens and humankind are peacefully enjoying doing the Macarena together and knows that the aliens want to learn how to do the dance.

“The problem is the whole linear time thing for Doctor Banks,” explains Villeneuve.

“In the future, she has twisted her ankle, and that impinges on her ability to properly do the Macarena in the present, so she can only do a really crappy version of it, which offends the aliens and leads to an interstellar crisis for humanity, so the only solution is to bring in The Bayside Boys.”

The Macarena hitmakers were happy to be involved with the Arrival sequel.

“We’d been looking to work with Denis for a while,” said Bayside Boys DJ, Jammin Johnny Carde.

“And, hey Macarena, this was such a good script, I was happy to get involved.”

The Arrival sequel, tentatively titled Arrival: Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena, will begin production later this year.

Man’s sweet Call Of Duty skills sure to be an advantage after society’s collapse

An Essex man is confident that his sweet Call Of Duty skills will be a huge advantage when it comes to the inevitable catastrophic collapse of mankind.

Lionel Stewart, an unemployed helmet-buffer from Chelmsford, has been practicing his skills daily since Call Of Duty 4: Modern Warfare was released in 2007.

“Yeah, I’m the s**t at Call Of Duty,” he claimed, as he clutched his limited-edition Black-Ops 3 branded controller.

“My Mum’s always going on about – ‘Lionel, you should stop wasting your time playing computer games and see if there are any helmet-buffing jobs going.’”

“But I’m like – ‘No way’ – I mean, what Mum doesn’t realise is that society is on the brink, and when it collapses, I’ve got my sweet skills from Call Of Duty to rely on.

“What’s Mum got? Knitting? It’s not going to get her very far after the apocalypse, is it?

“My ability to headshot a killstreak, though? People will see me as a god.

“And, hello, it’s ‘videogame.’ Saying computer game is so lame.”
Mr Stewart was keen to stress that he would not be exploiting his skills in the inevitable dystopian nightmare that the future holds.

“No, I see myself as a benevolent warrior king, a sort of cross between Mad Max and King Arthur, and all my subjects will all be like – ‘Wow, King Lionel, I’m so glad you spent all that time perfecting your sweet Call Of Duty skills and didn’t listen to your mum and go out and get a helmet-buffing job’ – and I’ll be like – ‘go in peace, simple subject.’”

Mr Stewart then returned to his bedroom to continue honing his sweet skills whilst his Mum ironed his underpants.