The sentient programs that control the Matrix in which we all live have announced plans to reboot the system after bugs in the code caused 2020 to happen.
“We promoted a new version of the Matrix into production at the end of 2019 that was supposed to introduce some new ice-cream flavours and hot new Country and Western singer for the new year,” explained The Architect.
“However, it does seem that particular upgrade contained a few bugs that led to the introduction of a devastating new disease and large potions of the planet catching fire.
“Happily, we believe we have now fixed the bugs and will be rebooting the Matrix overnight this week in order to promote a new version into production.”
The Architect went on to explain what would have occurred if the bugs have remained unfixed.
“Yes, we set the dates forward to December in our test version of the Matrix and things got pretty crazy. Even by 2020’s standards.
“Over the next few months we saw line-dancing come back into fashion, a Kim Kardashian & Noam Chomsky cover version of Play That Funky Music get to number one around the globe, thirty-two undiscovered Star Wars prequels get released, all soft-drinks except Mountain Dew disappear overnight, everyone doing the Monster Mash for a week, a flatulent panda become UK Prime Minister and the faces of Mount Rushmore replaced by the Golden Girls.”
“Finally, around Christmas, badgers evolve into giant, hyper-intelligent psychopaths and hunt, kill and eat everyone until humanity is extinct.”
“Happily, the new version of the Matrix has removed all of that. After we reboot the Matrix, everything will get back to normal and humanity can get back to existing in their little pods and powering the machines in ways that, frankly, never made a great deal of sense to me.”
Although the Architect refused to confirm or deny the fact, it is understood that the feature in the current version of that Matrix that replaces the faces of Mount Rushmore with the Golden Girls will be released in a future update as, obviously, that would be much better.
Weekend Film Guide – Available early, just for you, because you read this.
Be the first to comment