Ah, the weekend. Time to have a go at the garden, go for a walk in the country, or lie on the sofa in your pants eating corn flakes straight from the box wondering if it’s too early to start drinking yet.
Here’s our guide to the wealth of movies available to you while you do so.
Friday
Sliding Doors BBC1 23.25
Gwyneth Paltrow’s career diverges when she gets on a train. In one reality, she becomes a respected, Oscar-winning actress, in the other reality she sells magic vagina crystals to idiots with too much money.
Quantum of Solace ITV4 21.00
I made an AI read all the James Bond film titles and then make one up and it came up with this. It was clearly a rubbish AI.
Christmas Mail GREAT! Movies Classic 18.00
Magic postman saves Christmas by delivering a little girl’s letter to Santa which renews his faith in mankind. Little girl gets a pony for Christmas.
Something like that. Why are we doing this in October?
Saturday
Flash Gordon ITV4 17.45
Brian Blessed shouts at everyone until everything sorts itself out.
People who haven’t seen it since they were nine claim it’s good. It absolutely isn’t.
Close Encounters of the Third Kind Channel 5 16.15
Hippie scientists defeat invading aliens by playing Jean-Michel Jarre music at them.
Features some business with mashed potato for some reason. Spielberg? He’s a genius, mate.
A Few Good Men GREAT! Movies 21.00
Time, for once and for all, to see exactly who can handle the truth. Tom? Jack? Demi? That guy who you remember from the thing? All of them? None of them? You? Me?
Sunday
The Goonies Channel 5 16.55
Rowdy kids go on a crime spree and smash up an antique ship before stealing all the gold. Should be in school, if you ask me.
Casino Royale ITV4 20.00
James Bond gets off with sexy ladies and saves the world by having incredibly hardy balls
Howard’s End E4 15.45
Gay porn.
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