It’s the weekend and, let’s be honest, you’re pretty much settled on pretending to be ill to get out of Jenny’s hen do, so send her a quick WhatsApp and then settle in with a box of cheap wine and skipload of malteasers and watch any of these great films.
Friday
Four Weddings and a Funeral 21.00 Film4
Posh bloke gets off with wrong girl. Could he not see Kristin Scot-Thomas?
Valley of Eagles 10.00 Talking Pictures
Eagle poo everywhere
Hotel For Dogs 14.25 Film4
New Channel Four reality show in which celebrities have to give dogs a nice holiday. Not really, but we’re not far off that. Mark my words.
Saturday
Homefront 02.40 5*
No idea, but it’s this weekend’s Jason Statham film, so you’ll probably be alright.
2012 17.40 Sony Movie Channel
End of the world and only Woody Harrelson and the Mayans realise. Everyone has to catch a big boat for some reason. Excellent.
The Smurfs 15.30 ITV2
Horrible little blue bastards terrorise New York. The sort of thing ITV2 was made for.
Sunday
Spectre 20.00 ITV2
James Bond murders everyone and gets off with someone half his age. There, that narrows it down for you.
Emma 15.00 BBC2
Gwyneth Paltrow in a bonnet, you’ll have smashed up your telly before you can say ‘oh dear god, no. It’s Gwyneth Paltrow in a bonnet.’
The Smurfs 2 15.40 ITV2
Because otherwise everyone would just be going – ‘I must know what happens next.’
I bet stamping on a smurf is the most satisfying thing ever.
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