First weekend of the year and, instead of trying to do all those difficult resolutions, why not slump in front of the telly in your pants, eat Frosties straight from the box and watch one of these classic films.
Friday
Fast and Furious 6 – Film 4 21.00
Vin Deisel and mates expose a high-level corporate conspiracy to maintain an artificially weak stock market by driving cars really fast. Or something.
I reckon they should do a Fast and Furious film where they race a nuclear space shuttle on the moon. If anyone from the franchise is reading this, you can have that idea for free.
Mermaids – Sony Movie Channel 14.10
Needs more Mermaids
A Gift Wrapped Christmas – True Movies 1 (whatever that is) 9.00
NOT CHRISTMAS ANYMORE! Honestly, there should be a law.
Saturday
Platoon – ITV 23.05
Oliver Stone gets a few things out of his system.
Miami Vice – Sony Movie Channel 21.00
Colin Farrell grows a mullet with hilarious consequences.
Left Behind – 5* 18.50
Nicolas Cage is an airline pilot during the Rapture.
Can we all have a whip round for Nic so he doesn’t have to do films like this any more.
Sunday
Lord of the Rings – ITV2 18.50
Is this never not on the telly? Surely everyone alive has watched this at least twice by now.
Titanic – E4 17.00
Kate Winslet manhandles Leonardo Dicaprio on a big special effect. Finishes on Wednesday.
Home Alone – Film 4 16.20
NOT CHRISTMAS ANYMORE! I’m going for a lie-down
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