It’s the weekend again! Time to pretend to have a cold so you don’t have to go round your brother-in-law’s house and listen to him witter on about the new conservatory he’s put in.
It’s not a new wing on Downton Abbey, mate. Get over yourself.
Here’s our guide to all the films you can watch instead
Saturday
Fight Club Dave 21.00
The first rule of Fight Club is that it’s an overrated load of adolescent nonsense about soap.
The second rule of Fight Club is that there’s something better on the other side.
Iron Man ITV 18.20
Robot men punch each other until everyone gets bored and goes home.
Paddington Film4 16.40
Bear eats marmalade with scant regard for the hygiene implications for the family who he lives with
Sunday
Hugo Film4 16.00
Martin Scorsese’s charming family film about an old toy maker who MURDERS EVERYONE IN AN ORGY OF RIGHTEOUS VIOLENCE AND SWEARING.
Eye in the Sky Film4 21.00
Army people do drone violence and then have a big think about what they’ve done.
Christmas Miracle True Movies 1 16.00
Festive purgatory with Dean Cain and a dog. Expect snow, ice-skating, and everyone learning a lesson.
New at the cinema
The Fog (4K restoration)
Ghost pirates live in some fog. My favourite scary movie.
Peterloo
Mike Leigh film about a massacre. Tell everyone you’re going to see this and watch The Fog instead.
DVD of the week
Batman Begins
Cinema’s grumpiest superhero has a big sulk. Features Katie Holmes for some reason
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