Weekend Film Guide 2nd February

Hoorah! It’s no longer January. What? It’s February? Well that’s not really very much better is it?

May as well hunker down under a pile of blankets with a Toblerone the size of a man and watch these great films.

Saturday

The Searchers ITV4 16.00

Grumpy man looks for something.

Last of the Mohicans Dave 21.00

Apparently, Daniel Day-Lewis was so dedicated to the role of Hawkeye that, in order to prepare, he travelled back in time to the 1700s and lived with the Mohican tribe for a year, and can actually be seen in some pictures from the period.

Grown Ups 5* 21.00

Adam Sandler and his friends are annoying for two hours.

Sunday

A Matter of Life and Death BBC2 13.40

David Niven applies for court hearing on whether he can come back to life to get off with girl he briefly spoke to. All a bit unbelievable if you ask me.

Kramer vs Kramer True Movies 1 20.40

Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep go to war to decide, once and for all, who has the right to call themselves Kramer.

Spoiler: Kramer wins.

Planet of the Sharks Horror Channel 08.00

So, sharks are now the dominant species on the planet because global warming.

Expect two hours of spurious reasons for people having to go in the sea – “Oh no, it’s my favourite lilo!” – “But salt water is good for veruccas!” – “Oh No, I dropped 50p whilst I was getting the lilo!”

Still, it’s either this or Andrew Marr. I know what I’ll be watching.

New at the cinema this weekend

Green Book

Hello, can I have an Oscar please.

Viggo Mortensen drives concert performer around. Everyone learns and grows as people.

If he doesn’t say “If, by my life or death I can protect you, I will,” then I want my money back

Crucible of the vampire

Starring Neil Morrissey. No, I haven’t been drinking.