It’s the weekend! Time to don the mask and fight crime under the cover of darkness. But, if that seems like too much hard work, why not watch these great films instead?
Saturday
Arrival Channel 4 23.40
Aliens rock up for a chat but can’t even be bothered to learn the language. Lazy.
Stepmom Sony Movies 03.20
Industrial-strength misery cancer-thon. Julia Roberts cries prettily and John Williams’ score is so syrupy you could have it on a pudding with custard.
Indecent Proposal Sony Movies 21.00
Boring old nonsense about having sex with Demi Moore. Woody Harrelson just looks baffled throughout. Can’t blame him.
Sunday
Dances with Wolves Sony Movies 16.40
Kevin Costner gets his arse out and dances with a wolf. Kev got his arse out a lot in the nineties. Heady days.
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug E4 21.00
This title always made me think that Smaug went out on a massive bender the night before and the film is about him coming to and finding he’s vomited in the bath, smashed up the telly and left his trousers up a tree.
It’s not about that though, it’s about hobbits doing hobbit stuff.
The Bourne Supremacy ITV4 23.00
Matt Damon duffs up a load of bad guys with various household objects – magazine, packet of fish fingers, sofa. Might feature Clive Owen, or that might be another one.
Netflix Film of the Weekend
Apollo 13
Tom Hanks gets stuck in space and can’t go to the moon. Men with tidy haircuts figure out how to get him back.
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