It’s the weekend, and it’s Katie’s birthday. But Katie is awful, she’s terrible, with her stupid hair and her stupid dog. Screw you Katie, screw you and your ‘ironic’ cheese and wine party. I hope you become simultaneously lactose and alcohol intolerant.
On the upside, there’s all these great films to watch.
Saturday
The Departed ITV4 22.15
Marky Mark wins Oscar for best swearing and President Bartlett is a policeman. Features unusual amount of rugby.
Big Momma’s House 2 5* 13.30
Its funny because the man is dressed like a lady. Proof that society is doomed.
Two Weeks Notice ITV2 17.10
Poster features Hugh Grant and Sandra Bullock leaning against each other and smirking. If that appeals then you’re hungover.
Sunday
Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi ITV 15.45
Jedi comes back. Brings excitable Teddy bears. Gay robot pretends to be God. Everyone has nice party.
The Third Man BBC2 12.30
Sequel to The Second Man, which was sequel to The Man.
The Fugitive ITV4 21.30
Doctor disguises himself as doctor to prove innocence.
What the hell is a hard target search anyway?
New at the cinema this weekend
Marianne and Leonard: Words of Love
Film about Leonard Cohen, so expect slapstick, toilet humour and wacky larks aplenty.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Boggly-eyed sociopath tricks loads of kids into visiting his lair then tortures them.
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