It’s the weekend, the only small relief in your bleak, meaningless existence.
So why not spend it watching these great movies.
Friday
Jack the Giant Slayer 21.00 5*
About five years ago there was this shocking idea to do contemporary versions of fairytales – Pinocchio skateboarding, the seven dwarves breakdancing, Snow White fronting a punk band – that sort of thing.
It was an awful idea and should be forgotten forever.
Also, the title reads like Jack is a really big Slayer.
Surrogates 23.15 Sony Movie Channel
Everyone is a robot from the future who looks like someone else and Bruce Willis has to investigate why. Or something.
Touching Wild Horses 15.00 True Movies 1
Not like that.
Saturday
The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring 17.45 ITV2
Blimey. Lord of the Rings? On telly? There’s a turn-up, whoever would have thought such a thing.
Chronicle 19.10 Film4
Story of your local paper.
Every Which Way But Loose 19.10 ITV4
Monkey drivel. Fun if you’ve had, or are considering, a lobotomy.
Sunday
Home Alone 18.55 Film4
It’s May, there’s blossom on the trees and you’re thinking of risking a barbecue. So why not gather round the TV and enjoy this seasonal classic. I think that whoever programmes the Film4 schedule might have lost their passion for the job.
Babe 12.05 ITV2
Finishes at 2pm, just so you know what time to have the roast pork ready for.
Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole 14.40 Channel 5
The best film about an evil army of owls you’ll see this weekend.
Director Zack Snyder has the most irritating name in Hollywood and went on to make Batman vs Superman.
This is better.
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