It’s the weekend, and as the BBC refuse to bring back Noel Edmunds’ Multi-coloured Swap Shop, no matter how vociferous my letters, you may as well watch some of these ‘great’ films.
Saturday
Star Wars IV: A New Hope 17.25 ITV2
Darth Vader goes after wayward, layabout son. That’s possibly a spoiler, although that whole plot was pretty strongly telegraphed in Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith.
Bram Stoker’s Dracula 01.25 Film4
As opposed to Fat Barry from the pub’s Dracula.
Transylvanian bloke throws huge strop after girlfriend dies and tortures Keanu Reeves until he stops speaking cockney.
Anthony Hopkins give characteristically restrained performance.
Robin Hood 20.00 ITV2
Wacky romp featuring Russell Crowe attempting as many different accents as possible in two hours.
Sunday
Good Will Hunting 21.00 Sony Movie Channel
Matt Damon does hard sums while Ben Affleck looks confused.
Robin Williams won Oscar for best beard.
Far From The Madding Crowd 17.00 True Movies 1
Thomas Hardy adaptation, so expect brutal cold-hearted men, ill-treated women, loads of mud, and someone dying of consumption. Or plague. Or boredom.
One day humankind will have forgotten the works of Thomas Hardy. I can only hope that happens in my lifetime.
Sleepless in Seattle 18.45 Sony Movie Channel
Tom Hanks engineers cross-country romance in attempt to ditch his annoying kid.
New at the cinema
The Equaliser 2
Surely The Sequaliser? Hope someone got fired for missing that.
The Eyes of Orson Welles
Famed director had eyes. This is their story.
New DVD (if you buy it from that second-hand shop on the High Street)
Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels
Oi, Oi! ‘Ave it! Do one or what, mate. I’m a right, proper naughty geezer innit? Knees up mother brown, up the apples and pears and down the frog and toad. Maybe it’s because I’m a Londoner that I love jellied eels.
Fact: Sting was having tantric sex throughout the entirety of this film. Look at his eyes. You can tell.
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