It’s the weekend, the only small relief in your bleak, meaningless existence.
So why not spend it watching these great movies.
Saturday
Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back ITV 18.40
Angry at himself for getting off with his sister, Luke Skywalker goes to live in a swamp with a goblin. Some explicit tauntaun cruelty.
First Knight Sony Movie Channel 15.30
Reimagining of Arthurian legends in which knights had immaculately blow-dried and moussed hairdos. You don’t see that in Game of Thrones.
Housewife 49 ITV3 14.45
48th sequel to Housewife
Sunday
Iron Man ITV2 20.00
Man irons things. Gets tricky when he gets to a pair of trousers that were left in the washing machine and dried out while all scrunched up.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes Film4 18.55
Apes become more intelligent than men and take over the planet. The inevitable consequence of a Donald Trump Presidency.
Elf ITV 6pm
Idiot elf escapes from Santa’s toy factory to annoy decent New Yorkers who are just trying to do their job. A convincing argument against Christmas.
New at the cinema this weekend
Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse.
A man? With the powers of a spider? That’s genius, and so cinematic. I can’t believe they haven’t thought to make a film out of such a character before. This could catch on.
DVD of the week
Surrogates
Everyone is a robot from the future who looks like someone else and Bruce Willis has to investigate why. Or something. Don’t pay more than 50p.
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