It’s the weekend, time to set in motion your bloody plan to wreak terrible vengeance against those who’ve crossed you. But it that sounds like too bother, why not enjoy these great films instead.
Saturday
Goldfinger ITV 16.00
James Bond saves the world by getting off with a sexy lady and playing a passive-aggressive round of golf before getting off with another sexy lady.
Jurassic Park ITV2 17.55
Angry, bitey lizards get bored with eating goats and launch an attack on all the humans so they can play that cool game on the computer.
The Big Sky Movies4Men 09.40
Not that big. If anything, it’s a normal sized sky.
Sunday
The Big Heat Sony Movies Classic 23.10
Not that big. If anything, it’s a normal sized heat.
Genevieve Talking Pictures TV 16.15
Two couples drive their lovely old car to Brighton only to find it full of topless hippies playing bongos.
Pride and Prejudice Channel 5 15.45
Keira Knightley and bonnets. Will keep your mum off the streets for a couple of hours.
New at the cinema this weekend
The Elephant Man (40th Anniversary 4K restoration)
Early superhero movie. Apparently, Elephant Man is replacing Iron Man in the Avengers.
DVD of the weekend
Halloween
Bloke wears Captain Kirk mask. Kills Jamie Lee Curtis’s babysitter mates for having sex.
Fact: the theme to Beverly Hills Cop is a speeded-up version of Halloween theme.
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